Florida Man Decides Next Election, Probably
By Samhitha Saiba
TAMPA, FL –– Sack reporters traveled to the swampy Floridian city named after a menstrual product this Friday to meet with Deejay Love, the 51-year-old Florida man and swing voter who will decide the 2020 presidential election, probably.
Our reporters agreed to meet with Love outside his place of work, an illegal-meat-factory turned illegal-Korean-nightclub named Dirty Ji-Mee’s that opens at 12 a.m. and gets shut down at 1:45 a.m., nightly. When Love failed to show up, our reporters traveled around the block and found him shoplifting Sunny-D and e-cigs from a local 7/11. After politely waiting for him to finish the job, we sat down with Love to ask him about his thoughts on the current candidates.
“I’m not really a politics guy,” explained the man about to decide the course of our nation’s future. “I mean, screw the system. No president ever paid my bills, convinced my girlfriend’s mom not to sell me out to the DEA. The system only works for guys up there,” he said, gesturing upward with his hand, the same hand that will one day fill out a ballot determining the next owner of American nuclear codes, we think.
“Personally, I’ve got bigger things to worry about,” Love continued. “I’ll vote with my gut when it comes to it. That’s how I make all my decisions, and it usually works out.” explained the man who once smuggled an alligator into a Wendy’s, but will also one day help swear in the next President of the United States.
Despite his self-proclaimed lack of interest in politics, this Florida man has a history of getting in trouble with local law enforcement. He has previously been arrested for planning to shoot down Hurricane Irma, robbing a GameStop while wearing a transparent bag over his head, and practicing karate on swans, all of which are real headlines. He also claims to be the first man to ever vape semen, though whether this behavior is criminal or just weird remains unclear.
What this Florida man has done in the past, though, pales in importance compared to what he will do in the future; namely, which little circle he will one day wake up hungover and randomly choose to fill. Until then, Americans of non-swing-states will have to cast their less-important votes and stay optimistic, as Love always wins in the end.
