Ass-Slapping Cyclist Reveals How the Pandemic Has Destroyed His Small Business

By Angie Stroud

LOS ANGELES, CA —   Online school has caused many college town businesses to suffer, including the independent business of USC’s renowned rear-tapping rider. USC ass-slapper, Seymore Phanny, filed for unemployment benefits this week as decreased foot traffic ruined his small business. 

“I used to slap anywhere from six to twelve asses a day,” said Phanny. “I didn’t realize those were the good old days.”

Social distancing measures have proven to be an obstacle for the ass-slapping industry.  “I’ve started wearing gloves, and switching them out between asses,” said Phanny. “I also invested in a sticky hand toy, in order to simulate hand-to-ass contact while six feet away.” 

Phanny emphasized the importance of public health in his line of work. “The sooner we go back to normal, the better for my business. So I’m doing everything I can to stop the spread,” said Phanny. “I may slap ass for a living, but I’m not a monster.”

Former client and USC junior, Bebe Gotback, expressed concern over Phanny’s newfound unemployment. “You’re telling me that was his full time job?” said Gotback. “Slapping ass put food on the table?”

 Phanny said that his business also fell victim to the gentrification of street harassment. “I see Kyles and Chads appropriate my business model every day on 28th Street,” said Phanny. “I’m getting cornered out of my own market.”

President of the Alpha Sigma Sigma fraternity, Chet Yohiney, objected to any ass-grabbing appropriation claims. “The ritual of smacking rumps is a core value of the ASS fraternity, and has been a part of our traditions for generations,” said Yohiney. 

Excessive police force from campus security was the final nail in the coffin for his bootylicious business, according to Phanny.

DPS reports show Phanny was arrested on multiple occasions for not having proper authorization to grope women on USC streets. DPS allegedly told Phanny “That’s our job.”