Cucumber Sick and Tired of Just Being Used For Sex

By Mia Young

LA JOLLA, CA —  Cucumbers seem to be making their way from the clean and wholesome kitchen to the dark and ominous bedroom, and the Cucumbers For Consumption (CFC) have expressed outrage against being used just for sex.

CFC research has shown an increased amount of cucumbers found tangled in bedsheets or thrown under beds. While this is a testament to the girthy gourd’s versatility, Cucumber Rights Activists say that it’s simply inhumane to reduce them to such a shameful standard.

“It’s awful,” one cucumber sighed. “Yes I am lewdly shaped, yes I am sexually appealing, but that is not my identity. I am so much more than what others perceive me to be.”

Another cucumber then began to sob uncontrollably, revealing an intimate story that outlined the struggles that cucumbers face every day.

“I remember when we lost my brother, Dick. He tried so hard to resist, but it was just too much for him. By the time it had finally ended, he was gone.” he sniffed, fighting back tears and looking towards the sky. “They say drowning is a peaceful death, I sure hope it was.”

Janice Anderson, a middle aged housewife offered her own opinion. “Cucumbers are great! They’re cheap, they’re available, and they get the job done, if you know what I mean..” she said, revealing a drawer filled with cucumbers, lubricant, and bondage tools and winking at a Sack unpaid intern.

FDA Food Scientist Rachel Samuels presented the issue from a health-safety viewpoint. “As long as there’s some sort of protective barrier in between the cucumber and the… um, chamber there is no present health issue.” she said, demonstrating the technique on a fresh 8-incher.

“However, it should be noted that the FDA highly advises against using the same cucumber for both penetration and consumption, as it may cause zoonotic diseases which are often associated with fish contact.”