Car Breaks Down in Middle of the Street Because It’s All Just Too Much
By Samhitha Saiba
LOS ANGELES, CA –– A car broke down on Melrose Ave. Wednesday, collapsing to the gravel with a feeble beep-beep that screamed, “It’s all just too much.” It’s an event on-site technicians are calling a freak accident and vaguely-Bostonian soccer moms are blaming for “anotha 20 minutes of Bobby’s little league practice, wasted.”
The car was heading down Melrose at a wimpy 20 mph when it slowly came to a stop, alerting nearby drivers and white women walking pitbulls named Nala that something was up. Witnesses soon realized that the car had broken down, and judging from its frown-like bumper, the breakdown was due to personal failures more than technical ones.
Evidence suggests that the car was going through a rough breakup at the time, as its GPS destination was set to “Her” and its CD compartment was packed with old Twenty One Pilots albums (the acoustic versions).
Most onlookers kept their distance from the car, as it was emitting carbon monoxide puffs that senior Sack reporters determined to be “kinda stinky and honestly more like post-mortem farts.” Those who did venture near the vehicle found no driver inside, confirming that this was simply a hollow husk of a manmade invention, lacking direction, purpose, and a sense of social decorum (e.g. the super smelly cheese being cut). Evidently, this sad scrap of metal simply lacked the drive to go on.
The vehicle stayed sadly plopped in the center of the road for hours before a passing tow-truck took mercy and transported it to a junkyard in West L.A. where the washed up actors of Pixar’s Cars live out the rest of their days. Sack reporters chose not to approach the vehicle with any questions, out of respect.
Due to the breakdown, it was clearly never able to reach “Her,” but will live out the rest of its days huffing petrol and harmonizing to Tyler Joseph’s sweet, melancholic tenor.
