Researchers Find Running Makes You 30% Happier and 50% Less Likely to be Killed by the Guy Chasing You

By Melanie Hoffmann

LOS ANGELES, CA — A new study from the University of Southern California has found that running can increase your happiness levels by thirty percent while also decreasing your chances of being murdered by the guy chasing you by fifty percent.

Head researcher Horace Davey explained that the study was conducted by placing subjects into a wooded area with a murderer and observing what happened to those who ran and those who did not. Davey explained, “There was a decent amount of blood to clean afterwards, but, hey, that’s what lab assistants are for!”

Marathon runner and humble bragger Rhea Moyer was not shocked by the research, “I started running because it helps you get away from things. I run away from all my problems: my failed relationships, my hometown, the cops, that homicide conviction…” Rhea then proceeded to run away from all of our follow-up questions.

Noted air-conditioning fanatic and couch potato Pauline Hallan told Sack that she’s not concerned about the study’s results, “If anyone is willing to actually chase me, they deserve to kill me. That’s dedication.”

Davey confirmed to Sack that his next study will track the impact of strength training on weight loss, and be able to hold up the world as it caves in on them.