QUIZ: Do You Deserve A Trump Pardon?

By Rachel Michelman

It’s the last day of the Trump presidency, which means it’s time for some pardons on his way out the door. Take this quiz to find out if you’re worthy of some last-minute presidential clemency.

Are you buddies with Trump?

Hell yeah! Me and Donny go way back to Miss America and Home Alone 2: Lost in New York days.

If I saw him, I would uppercut him. Does that answer your question?

Correct!

Wrong!

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Are you a war criminal?

Yes, I’ve killed innocent civilians and I’d do it again!

Nope! I pride myself in that fact.

Correct!

Wrong!

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Are you Susan B. Anthony?

Yes, I am and I was arrested for registering to vote at a barbershop and casting a ballot in a presidential election.

No? What the fuck?! She died on March 13, 1906.

Correct!

Wrong!

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Have you committed obstruction of justice, at least one type of fraud, or tax evasion?

Who’s asking? Are you recording me? I’m pretty sure you have to tell me if you are!

No. I only commit petty crimes because I, myself, am petty.

Correct!

Wrong!

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Have you been caught trying to cover up a crime?

I swear it’s not what it looks like…

No. No. No. No. People are actually considering answering yes? You’ve gotta be kidding me.

Correct!

Wrong!

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Are you a former member of the army, an evil Sheriff, or a Fox News contributor?

My personality is red, white, and blue!

None of them (but my uncle is definitely one—if not all of them).

Correct!

Wrong!

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Are you President Trump?

Heheheheheheh, yes I am and might I say you look very attractive today... self.

I doubt he reads the Sack of Troy.

Correct!

Wrong!

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Are you very special?

I am so special! I love you so much that I would do anything for you. Now go home and be a good little old man rather than trying to overthrow the U.S. Capitol.

Is this an actual criteria?

Correct!

Wrong!

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“President Trump Pardons Alice Johnson” by The White House is marked with CC PDM 1.0