Elderly Dog Proves He’s Still Got It By Humping Every Small Dog He Meets
By Emily Torp
LOS ANGELES, CA — Resident barker Rocky, a 14-year-old beagle, continuously proves to his dad “he’s still got it”—despite hip arthritis and cataracts—by humping any small dog he can get his paws on during his daily walk.
John, Rocky’s owner, said “It’s nice to see he’s as lively as ever. I’m just happy he’s moved on to humping dogs because he used to hump only my male friend’s legs… and that was embarrassing.” Rocky claims he said “no homo” after those escapades, so it was cool. He also expressed that saying things like “he’s still got it” is the reason Rocky has never had the opportunity to hump any special lady friend’s legs.
Cesar Milan, dog expert, explained the canine humping phenomenon: “Humping is not sexual, but about pure dominance. My new book ‘Is My Dog a Perv?’ explores the size humping hierarchy. A Labrador Retriever can hump a Poodle, and a Poodle can hump a Yorkie. It’s all about size—except for Chihuahuas. They’re two pounds of pure evil and can somehow rip through flesh despite only having a singular tooth. No pooch would dare mount them out of fear of being humiliated by a spoiled rodent.”
Rocky’s antics have actually landed him a girlfriend, a 12-year-old miniature schnauzer named Roberta. Roberta’s owner, Sami, says “It’s a match made in heaven. It’s clear that Rocky really loves Roberta, because sometimes after he humps her, he eats her poo.” Rocky wants to make sure his future mother-in-law Sami understands that he eats every dog’s poo, and so does Roberta, which is why they’re a perfect match for each other and will be married in the fall.
Rocky’s humping habits were cute and funny until recently when his cataracts made him mistake the neighbor’s baby for a pomeranian. He knocked over the infant, who was taking his first steps and mounted him—turkey timer and all. He then showed his hip arthritis who was boss by doing a few forceful thrusts before John could pry him off of the slightly amused little Timmy. As a punishment, Rocky has since lost all walk and Roberta playdate privileges until he can get his promiscuous weiner under control.
