Apologies to the Editor: I’m Not Really Sorry But My Mom Said I Had to Apologize

By Rachel Michelman

Dear Editor,

Listen, punk. Let’s get things straight. You’re a freaking nerd who doesn’t know your place in the world and I hope you get a life, but my mom is the woman in the green sweater and white vest by the Mini Cooper and she’s forcing me to apologize to you—even though I still think you’re a bitch. So, now, I’m going to pretend to look like I’m saying sorry for everything I said to you so my mom can get off my ass.

I’m not sorry that I told you I thought you were weird because you are. Your backpack has polka dots on it, and everyone knows that polka dots are so 2008. You dress like if a duck walked into a Kohl’s and couldn’t decide if it liked actual clothing or the tablecloths better. Plus, your shoes are literally a mess. Like I want to vomit at the fact that you wake up every morning and decide that wearing shoes with toes built into them is a good idea. And the fact that you wear socks with them too. 

I’m not sorry that I also called you a “monster of a human being who makes my life a living hell” in front of the entire class during the presentations. I know it was the first day and we were just supposed to introduce ourselves and some fun facts about us, but I still stand by the idea that it is a fun fact about myself since I had fun saying it. And I honestly don’t hate to be the person to tell you that we all think the same thing—me, T.J., Fresno, and Camo. I’m not sure about the other 168 people in ASTR-212, but I’m pretty sure they agree.

And I’m not sorry that I tripped you, uppercutted you exactly eight times, and poured my boiling hot cheddar broccoli soup into your lap—which by the I did not do lightly since that was my lunch, and I had been craving it since 7:05 in the morning when I woke up. Granted I do regret the soup thing now because I later realized that they put croutons into my bag and that would’ve slapped all together, but you were such a little shit for not saying “Hi” to me in Target this weekend when I knew you clearly saw me that I had to do something to avenge myself.

Okay. Well this has been long enough since my mom looks annoyed—I’M COMING BARBARA. Jeez. I’ll see you on Tuesday at Mr. Tunnel’s for therapy.

• Donny Holmes