USC Closely Monitoring the Situation of Whether You’ve Paid Tuition Yet

By Veronica Marks

LOS ANGELES, CA – In light of the increased spread of the Omicron variant, many in the USC community are wondering about the possibility of returning to a remote experience next semester, but USC assured students that it is closely monitoring the situation of whether you’ve paid tuition yet.

“We’re still learning about the threat of this variant, the necessary protocols, and your current e.pay balance,” said President Carol Folt. “At this stage, we cannot say for sure that a remote start is necessary, because then you wouldn’t give us your money.” 

Other colleges have already disclosed plans for the spring semester, presumably because they’re chumps. Stanford announced that classes will be remote for the first two weeks of January, but USC isn’t giving up so easily.  

“In the past, our protocols have been successful in preventing illness, mitigating spread, and getting your money in an offshore bank account before you can say ‘leave of absence,’” said President Folt. “We are committed to achieving those same goals in the Spring, no matter how many vague emails it takes.” 

President Folt urged students to take precautions during the holidays. “If you’re traveling to see your loved ones, please wear a mask and get vaccinated. Hypothetically, if you’re traveling to the Cayman Islands to destroy potential evidence of tax evasion, please wash your hands.” She lowered her voice to a whisper. “And also the money.”