Rival High School Football Team Swallowed by Sinkhole to Hell After Supreme Court Approves Summoning Circles

By Joshua Wolk

ST. LOUIS, MO — After the landmark Supreme Court ruling on Kennedy v. Bremerton School District, Clayton Greyhounds coach Natas Liah was permitted to call a summoning circle to envelop the Ladue Rams starting lineup in a sinkhole, sending them straight to hell.

Some Greyhounds players were hesitant to join the circle as it violated their personal belief systems. However, they soon began chanting hexes, fearful of being ostracized from the team. “As an observant Christian, channeling the devil’s magic made me feel a little uncomfortable,” said Greyhounds linebacker, Bruce Pesce. “But my teammates were giving me dirty looks before their eyes rolled to the back of their heads. I didn’t want to be the odd one out.”

Supreme Court Justice Neil Gorsuch was witnessed ripping off his shirt during the big moment, jutting out his pierced tongue and throwing one smaller spectator into the hole just before it closed. “Neil made this happen,” said Coach Liah gratefully, with a single tear in his eye. “I’m looking forward to sharing a beer with him in the ninth circle of the inferno. You know, once his lifetime Supreme Court appointment expires.”

It is unclear if the Rams can recover from this blow in time to continue the season. “I lost some good friends to that sinkhole,” lamented Rams benchwarmer Alex Brown. “But it is perfectly constitutional, which makes it okay. And Coach might put me in next game!”