Secretary of Transportation Hires Hundreds of Children to Kick The Back of Your Fucking Seat

By Bill Rockas

WASHINGTON — U.S. Secretary of Transportation, Pete Buttigieg, has instituted an expansive network of juvenile children to kick the back of your chair.

After the 2020 shutdown orders, Buttigieg expressed an interest in preserving the sacred tradition of transportation. “We wanted to engineer reality. All the idiosyncrasies of travel had to be there,” explained Buttigieg. “Especially the grubby little rodent that won’t stop smashing their tiny Croc into the back of your seat.”

The Department of Brats Against Comfort is quickly taking shape. The agency pays some of the cheese-coated gremlins in a wage equivalent to the stimulus checks they receive from the tooth fairy. Some are motivated by the double-dog dares, others by strategic jinxes. But most half-formed Clifford fanatics work pro bono because for them, creating annoyance is a civic duty.

The policy doesn’t end with the greasy, wide-eyed urchins. Buttigieg hopes that passengers are so upset that they eventually attempt to confront the child. After turning their head and glowering, the passenger will discover the child’s restless mother who knows devastation like no one else. Her weary eyes will flood a painful empathy back into the passenger, thus neutering their indignation and resigning them to an eternity of ceaseless disruptions.

Buttigieg has big plans for the future of the organization. “Someday we hope to hire these homunculi to follow every American citizen on their passage into the afterlife. So next you find yourself on Charon’s boat ride across the River of Styx, you’ll have us to thank for the iPad chewing toddler making Hell just that much worse”.