Opinion: Why Can’t USC Men Finish?

By Izzy Ster

After dominating Tulane up until the last four minutes of the Cotton Bowl this afternoon, USC suffered a devastating loss. This has lead many to wonder: Why are USC men unable to satisfy me? More pressing: Why do USC men edge me only to fall short in only a matter of minutes? Both conundrums point to only one answer to end my long, unpleasant drought: drugs (Viagra and steroids, respectively).