Duracell Marketing Emphasizes Aerodynamics of D-Batteries Ahead of Super Bowl

By Levi Elias 

PHOENIX, AZ – In preparation for the Super Bowl, Duracell has shifted their marketing strategy to prioritize the aerodynamic advantages of their D-batteries. 

Duracell executives noticed their profit margins and publicity soar during the 2017 Super Bowl, specifically in the Philadelphia area. Now, for the Eagles’ return to the Super Bowl, they plan to debut the product as the perfect miniature projectile for game day.

 “Our sleek new design with smoothed corners and polished finishes allows for the battery to glide through the air with ease, while still providing that same intense impact on collision with the rival teams helmets that our customers love. They can also still be used to power large flashlights if you want, but that’s kinda lame,” states Duracell CEO Thom Lachman. “We support our lovely Philadelphia fan base, and we thank them for choosing Duracell in their attempts to worsen the already debilitating brain damage afflicting football players .”

Vendors outside of State Farm Stadium have already started setting up D-battery kiosks so Eagles fans have easy access to a small weapon in case they feel the desire to pelt an athlete, mascot or child dressed in rival team’s gear. They will also be selling miniature jerseys for your D-battery so it can look like your favorite football player! “My battery looks just like Miles Sanders! He’s my favorite! He’s going to help me blind an overpaid Chief’s assistant coach!” says Eagles jail regular Aaron DeMarco, directly after climbing up a greased pole, swinging from an active street light and punching 6 police horses square in the jaw.

To compete with Duracell, Energizer has added a bayonet-like blade at the end of their batteries for maximum damage. So whichever battery company you choose for your throwing needs this Super Bowl, remember that the power comes from your shoulders. Pelt on!