Dog Tom Brady Retires After 22nd Season of Puppy Bowl

By Joshua Wolk

GLEN FALLS, NY — Dog Tom Brady announced his retirement after his 22nd Puppy Bowl season with a squeaky, sickly bark. The golden retriever, proud winner of seven Lombarky trophies and 132 in dog years, has won more Puppy Bowls than both Team Ruff and Team Fluff. While much of his success was credited to Team Ruff coach Dog Bill Belichick, Dog Brady proved his independence after winning the championship for Team Fluff.

Dog Brady’s retirement comes on the heels of his divorce from his supermodel wife Dog Gisele Bündchen after being forced to choose between love and the game. Despite this, Dog Brady was still able to muster a big sloppy lick for his dog son. “BARK BARK RUFF BARK,” Brady said, with a tear in his eye. “BARK RUFF RUFF BARK BARK.” He trotted off the field, reportedly on his way to a farm upstate.