M&M’s Spokescandies Executed by Firing Squad at Super Bowl

By Julian Avrith

GLENDALE, AZ– This Super Bowl Sunday, the world famous colorful M&M’s spokescandies were executed by a firing squad live on the field at State Farm Stadium to ring in the championship game and mark the start of a new era for the M&M’s brand. 

“No one liked them,” comments Mars Wrigley Senior Advertising Director Allison Miazaga-Bedrick, gesturing broadly while laughing maniacally and swirling a glass of whiskey. “I made that purple bitch as a joke. I was thinking of tying them to that rocket ship one last time and just blowing that shit up just for fun. I would’ve loved watching the metal fly into the audience, hitting a child or two, but apparently Rihanna’s already doing something similar. So firing squad it is.” 

The spokescandies’ bodies will be donated to the Los Angeles Natural History Museum, where their skeletons and shells will be displayed for visitors and children to play on.