Greek Row Adds PlayPlace for Underaged Girls

By Audrey Serrano

LOS ANGELES, CA — The University Park Interfraternity Council has announced plans to construct a PlayPlace on Greek Row to accommodate  underaged girls.

The project was proposed as part of the UPIFC’s diversity, equity, and inclusion initiative. While the current DEI curriculum primarily focuses on training members to sneakily hurl microaggressions instead of actual slurs, the council’s newest DEI policies will work to expand Greek life to a previously overshadowed demographic: minors. By constructing a PlayPlace for its prepubescent audience, the brotherhood is proactively dismantling sexist and ageist systems that have previously excluded young women from participating in Greek life activities. Beta Beta Beta brother Zach Hughes commends Article 3 of the DEI initiative, as the new inclusion procedures have proved to “unfuck the ratio at parties.”

This collaborative, groundbreaking effort between members of UPIFC and San Fernando Valley middle schoolers, construction for the 28th Street PlayPlace will begin in August. As an effort to promote inclusivity, each fraternity plans to include a Happy Meal toy with each Kirkland hard seltzer consumed during the playground’s opening ceremony in Spring 2024. Though the structure will feature traditional playground elements such as a slide and a jungle gym, the council plans to feature a pre-algebra tutoring service and a Lolita reading workshop as part of the PlayPlace’s enrichment activities. 

Planning on auditing the tutoring sessions himself, Sigma Sigma Sigma president Conor Adams has expressed excitement over the PlayPlace. “Lit how the PlayPlace attracts mad heads to the Row while helping me with my math skills,” said Adams. Afterwards, Adams used his newfound ability to understand basic algebra to calculate the average age of Greek Row’s typical female guest: sixteen.