CDC Releases New Statement For Birth Control Side Effects: “Too Bad, Slut”

By Sarah Cortina

ATLANTA, GA — Following a rise in complaints from women about the side effects that often come with various forms of birth control, the CDC has released an official statement that reads “Too bad, slut.”

Local woman Jeanette Smith has had her qualms with birth control for a while. “Yeah, I had horrible cramps for years. I literally had to stay home from work because the pain made me throw up and I took so much Advil for them that my doctor thought I might get an ulcer. My gynecologist said I might have endometriosis but when I asked what I could do he shrugged and suggested birth control.” She paused to think. “Actually, he didn’t really suggest it, he said ‘this is your only option, stupid bitch. Why can’t you just deal with it like everybody else does, you’re not special’?”

Smith also stated that she has had a range of bad experiences with a variety of contraceptives. “I didn’t read the side effects list because it was the length of a textbook, but I definitely felt the effects. Like, the first pill made me want to kill myself, so then they put me on another one but then that one made me gain 10 pounds, so then they put me on another one but that one made my entire forehead break out, at like, 24.”

“So then I was like, ‘Can I get an IUD?’ Although, I initially had drawbacks because I was like, ‘Don’t those hurt?’ And my gynecologist was like ‘There are some side effects, but usually patients say symptoms subside anywhere between 1-2 days and 1-2 months’. So I was like, ‘Well, okay!’ Then, I think I heard him say, “It only hurts if you’re a fucking stupid whiny bitch.”

Smith’s experience with the insertion, however, was reportedly quite painful. “They shoved this wishbone into my uterus and told me to sit on the table for 15 minutes, then kicked me out because they were ‘running behind schedule’. I almost passed out in the elevator.”

“I was just confused because my husband got local anesthesia for his vasectomy, but all I got was a pill to soften my cervix, four Advil, and a menacing scowl from my gynecologist. I might just be hearing things, but as he was putting it in, I swear I heard him whisper ‘slut.’”

George Wendell, the executive director of the American Board of Obstetrics and Gynecology, who claims he ‘must have had a uterus in a past life,’ stated reassuringly, “Any whore who wishes to copulate freely should have to experience the pain of childbirth. If you want to be sleeping with whoever you want, then you deserve the consequences.”

When questioned why, then, men get local anesthesia for vasectomies, he explained, “Well, us men just have this primal instinct to impregnate as many women as we can. It’s just biology. We can’t help it. We are simply primates.” Wendell then saw a tampon hanging out of a patient’s bag and proceeded to shriek and jump out the nearest window.