Kinky! This Couple Keeps the Lights On While They Fight

By Liam Stephenson

LOS ANGELES, CA –  Local couple Staniel and Jennifer Bréakfast aren’t just any pair that have been married too long: they spice up the ol’ bedroom by yelling at each other… with the lights ON!

As they approached their 40s, the age where people die, Staniel and Jennifer wanted to shake up their weekly screaming matches. “It began to feel like the same routine: dim the lights, get on the couch, reach between her legs, and wiggle around there until I find the remote she SWORE she wasn’t sitting on,” stated Staniel in a recent interview. 

Like many couples, the two got to the point where they were only fighting once a week, despite previously fighting every ten minutes when they began dating their freshman year of rehab.

The otherwise boring couple tried everything to fix their fighting life. They began with the idea of a threesome: find a hot single at a bar, bring them back to their apartment, and ask them who’s right about how to fix the Keurig. Staniel then suggested an open relationship, in which they could fight other people, but would ultimately be committed to cussing out one another. One day, however, after a pointless fight about whether batteries are recyclable, the two realized the lights were on. “I could see everything: his dumb little face, the boxer briefs he’s worn for maybe ten years straight, and the shattered DVR that I threw during our feud,” exclaimed Jennifer.

“Lights are a must. There’s something so intimate about looking your partner in the eyes while passionately wishing their in-laws an eternity in hell,” Staniel bubbled, sitting nearly three feet from Jennifer. 

“Would love it if you didn’t include actual details!” Jennifer responded passive-aggressively. 

“Would love it if you didn’t sleep with the entire Cinnabon staff!” retorted Staniel, smiling as if at gunpoint.

Steve and Melissa, neighbors of the couple who didn’t ask nicely enough to remain anonymous, complained about the couple’s noise. They claim that Jennifer can be heard yelling “fuck, fuck, that’s the spot” throughout the night, likely in reference to the “spot” where Daniel spilled piping hot bolognese.

The two also recommend roleplaying new argument topics, such as “who’s in the will,” “why are we still paying for Hulu,” and “why’d you sleep with the entire Cinnabon staff, you cold-hearted slut.” If you’re feeling extra kinky, the two recommend bringing up the other person’s failed career as a screenwriter. Even if you don’t think they had one, they did. They also recommend using safe words like “I’m gonna freefall down the elevator shaft,” if your partner goes too far.

Read about this and other steaming hot tips in Melissa Bréakfast’s new book, “Lazily Written Sexual Innuendos for Satire Writing.”