Super Bloom Awesome for Everyone Except Instagram Boyfriends and People with Horrible Allergies
By Izzy Ster
LAKE ELSINORE, CA – Following California’s historic winter rainfall, an influx of floral scenery, referred to as a “Super Bloom,” has exploded across the Golden State, much to the dismay of boyfriends of influencers and people with severe pollen allergies.
Aspiring entrepreneur Jack King, ( he is currently surviving by selling his high school Adderall supply) expressed disdain for the spring phenomenon. He cites “rifts in his relationship” with popular makeup influencer, Niki Pop (who took going viral once way too seriously). “I could barely keep up with all the ‘would you still love me if I was a worm?’ texts when that was a god damn trend. Now, I’m expected to drive out from Culver City to some field on the side of the road just so I can take a million pictures, only for her to use one and caption it ‘cottagecore vibes?’ What does that even mean?”
In light of the rise of couples pictures, Pop has forced King to only wear an Alo hat and a thrifted Nirvana T-shirt from the Silverlake Flea Market. “We have to look #goals when we drive out,” she explained.
King is not alone in his irritation with the Super Bloom. Chelsea Smart suffers from severe pollen allergies and has been struggling this spring. “I’ve been snorting eight lines of Zyrtec every day since March,” Smart said, while rubbing her sniffly nose and squinting swollen eyes. “What happened to that drought everyone was worried about?” She has been in and out of the hospital for the past two weeks, on the brink of fatal anaphylaxis, “but, sure. Go take your Instagram pictures.”
This monumental rise in visitors across California has caused brutal destruction amongst the wildflowers. Environmentalists are pointing fingers to influencers such as King and Pop, who stomp on the flora and fauna while shaking ass to ‘Juicy’ by Doja Cat for a TikTok. However, they assign most of the blame onto those suffering allergies who have deployed a firing squad with deadly chemicals to completely and utterly annihilate endless, pollinated California flower fields. In place of the fields, there will be a LoveShackFancy x Allerga pop up shop to continue to bring in tourist revenue to the area.
