Midwesterner Identifies as Californian After Two Semesters

By Rachel Michelman

LOS ANGELES, CA – After attending the University of Southern California for two semesters, freshman Annalise Waters has abandoned her Midwestern roots by identifying as a Californian.

Waters, originally from Ohio suburbs, has chosen to basically erase the last two decades of her life. “I’m, like, totally from Cali now. No, yeah. Yeah, no. I’m not going back to that place. The most exciting part was living next to an IHOP. At least at USC, I’m by Trader Joe’s and CAVA. I’m literally so here for the culture.”

Caroline Seagle, Waters’ roommate from Woodland Hills, takes issue with Waters’ personality change. “I don’t get why she keeps saying she’s from the Valley! The Ohio River Valley is not the same as the San Fernando Valley,” said Seagle. “I’ve had to deal with 110º F August summers without air conditioning. The most she’s struggled with is finding an empty parking lot where she and her friends could drink booze stolen from their parent’s liquor cabinet and drive donuts around light poles.”

Waters’ high school classmates are more realistic. Daryl Smith, a former classmate, said “Annalise already texted our class group chat she’ll be back all summer and that she’s already planning our five year reunion.” Andrew Hemmings, another classmate, mentioned, “She’s going to move back post-college for sure. Her Communications degree is useless. We all know she’s going to be hired at her dad’s accounting firm after she graduates.”

When reached out for further comments, Waters said that she was “too busy partying in WeHo with the cast of Euphoria and shopping at the Melrose Trading Post.”