“See, New York Is Just Fucking Better than LA,” Coughs USC New Yorker Through Cloud of Smoke

By Sarah Cortina 

NEW YORK, NY — The long standing bicoastal argument over which city reigns supreme falls to the New York side this week as the Big Apple’s sky and its surrounding areas look like every film’s representation of Mexico.

“I tried LA for a little bit, but Courage Bagels just couldn’t compare. Plus, you have to drive everywhere, and everyone is just so fake. Glad to see we’re back on top,” muttered NYU-reject-turned-USC-student James Bogden behind a North Face x Online Ceramics N-95 mask. 

Surprisingly, the yellow skies have created a sense of comfort for some residents. An LA native, USC Annenberg student (and School of Cinematic arts minor so she can tag both schools in her Instagram bio) Lacie Green can attest. “Honestly, I was just like, so scared of New York. Like people are sooooo mean, and public transportation is sooooo gross. But the skies being lit on fire reminds me of every September at home and when my house was burned to the ground in 2018.”

Allegedly, 24 hours outside in New York this week is equivalent to smoking six cigarettes according to health officials and your neurotic mother. “That’s basically what I already do, so it has to be like PEMDAS,” asserted Bodgen. “It’s just like smoking weed or hand-rolled cigarettes. They both come from nature.”