Mitch McConnell Hit By Brain Freeze After Secret Ice Cream Date With President Biden

WASHINGTON — Senate Minority Leader Mitch McConnell suddenly stopped speaking during a Republican news conference on Wednesday on account of a nasty brain freeze after a classified ice cream date with Joe Biden.

It wasn’t love at first sight. The two have been feisty rivals since 1984, when they first sparred in the Senate. The fire was only kindled last month, when sources say the two octogenarians matched on the new geriatric dating app, Tumble. The app has yet to be released nationwide but began beta testing on Capitol Hill due to the staggering demand. “I mean, where else are you going to find this many coked up elders?” asked app developer Todd MacInney. He then gasped and booked a one-way trip to Fort Lauderdale. 

The two senior citizens were seen just hours before at Scott’s Scoops, sharing a banana split and playfully daubing ice cream on each other’s noses. “The President has been a loyal patron for decades,” boasted proud owner Scott Carpenter. “He always says he’s never been here before but comes back every week with a new Senator on his arm. I used to think he was just a player but by now I’ve realized he just doesn’t remember.”

Following the big freeze, many Americans have expressed concern with the emerging gerontocracy. “Allegations that our nation’s leadership is too old to properly govern our nation are unfounded and ageist,” mumbled Speaker Nancy Pelosi, rocking to and fro on the porch of the Nursing Home of Representatives.