Sack of Troy’s Picks For George Santos’ Replacement

By Jackson Parker

After recently being expelled in an overwhelming 311-114 vote, George Santos’ seat in the House of Representatives is now vacant. The Sack of Troy has picked their favorite top notch candidates to fulfill his duties and replace our favorite politician. Fly high, George. We hope your unemployment benefits include all the OnlyFans subscriptions you could want. 

Anthony Devolder

Who better to lead a nation than Hannah Montana star, Anthony Devolder? Sure, everybody makes mistakes and everybody has those days, but Mr. Devolder seems like way more of an upstanding guy than George. Plus, maybe he could call up Miley to give us all a fun concert. 

Brazilian Drag Queen Kitara Ravache

Slay alert! Is it too much to ask to have representatives serve our country AND serve cunt? Sashay away Mr. Santos, it’s time for a real All-Star in the house.  

The Star Player of The Baruch College Volleyball Team

Did somebody say ‘serve’? No, not in the drag way, but like in the volleyball way! Let’s get the Baruch Bearcats’ treasured mascot into office to amp up our national spirit while serving aces and closing the block.

Someone Whose Mom Died on 9/11 And Whose Niece Was Kidnapped

Imagine having two super sad and notably political events happen to you. Not fun. Let’s make up for it by letting them help run the country for a little bit!

A Producer of The Infamous 2011 Musical Spider Man: Turn Off The Dark

Can we ask for anyone more qualified to make important political choices than a producer of the notoriously irresponsible Broadway musical Spider Man: Turn Off The Dark? Those producers have a zero tolerance policy for any more than three life threatening injuries. Or maybe four. Probably not more than five. Six at the absolute maximum.