To Ensure Attention, USC Classrooms Will Now Feature TVs Playing Cropped Footage of Subway Surfers

By Bill Rockas

LOS ANGELES, CA – In an effort to maintain student attention, USC will play cropped footage of Subway Surfers gameplay alongside relevant course presentations and information.

After analyzing the Fall 2023 semester course evaluations, USC administrators noticed a common theme. “Many students fail to focus on lectures,” says Classroom Administrator Phillip Shtarp. “But we’ve found a solution in playing high score-breaking runs from everyone’s favorite app – Subway Surfers!”

USC test subjects completed a series of attention-based trials. The control group, who watched lectures without the Surfer treatment, scored 30% on a test following the trial. A group watching Temple Run alongside the lecture registered 65%. Surprisingly, those watching Subway Surfers registered 160% and understood the material to such a high degree that they became smarter than their professors. “My favorite character is Jake – the titular Subway Surfer! He’s so cool!” says student Marcie Longblin who is now a cardiologist/nuclear physicist/renowned painter (thanks to the program).

Rumors are circulating that Subway Surfers will also be implemented in dining halls to improve emotional intelligence, added to residential hall elevators to incite more meaningful conversations, and, in a stunning turn of events, the game’s theme song will replace the Spirit of Troy’s current set list to make sure Lincoln Riley does his job. While most students are elated, some believe that the program is not seizing its full potential. Grace Fernd inquires, “Why stop at Subway Surfers? We can have those Minecraft parkour runs where the player jumps on floating blocks for an interminably long time. That’s the true solution!”