Nice! Redbubble Hydro Flask Stickers Compensate For Woman’s Utter Lack Of Personality

By Megan Dang

LOS ANGELES, CA — Despite having the personality of a damp Cheeto puff, local freshman Miriam Jones is the talk of campus thanks to the Redbubble stickers on her Hydro Flask. 

Before acquiring her elevated social status, Jones recalled how difficult it was to make friends in those first few weeks of college. “I could only say my name, major, and hometown so many times before it started to take a toll,” she explained with a vacant, lifeless look in her eyes. “I needed an overpriced, conformist way of signaling to everyone that I had rudimentary hobbies and interests… so naturally, I turned to Redbubble.”

To Jones’ amazement, her peers suddenly gained newfound interest in her after placing a single, glossy vinyl Glee sticker on her industrial-sized, slate gray Hydro Flask. “Everyone just assumed that I was fun and relatable,” she said. She quickly made more friends with the Gleeks in her psychology elective than she did throughout the entirety of high school. They were so preoccupied discussing Darren Criss’s cover of “Cough Syrup” that they completely ignored how Jones was staring into space in a catatonic state. 

Soon after her social success, Jones ordered thirteen more Redbubble stickers featuring various pieces of stolen pop culture fanart drawn in a corporate art style. Now, conversation starters are handed to her on a silver platter! “My Hydro gives people the impression that I have opinions, a sense of identity, and that I like television shows,” said Jones, who has not had a genuine human interaction in six years.

Jones has become so dependent on her stickers for personality that she has forgotten all basic communicative functions. These days, she speaks almost exclusively in popular movie and TV quotes. When asked about this, Jones gave a bone-chilling, empty laugh. “You got it dude! That’s what she said. Oh my god, they killed Kenny! Could I be any more soulless?”