From the Archives: Local Carpenter Upset Nobody Noticed his Resurrection

By Scott Altsuler 

JERUSALEM – Local Bethlehem craftsman Jesus Christ claims he died three days ago and miraculously rose from the dead. Unfortunately, to his surprise, nobody cares.

Locals have reported Christ wandering around the markets, going up to random people, and saying “Hey, remember me?” while spreading his arms in a T-pose, with head forward and tongue-out. “I kicked it, but I’m back and better than ever, baby!”

“I remember Jesus. Good kid. Decent carpenter,” blacksmith Jedidiah Benedictus said. “Fixed up my floorboards real good. Shame to hear he passed.” When told that Jesus has risen, Benedictus responded: “Oh, word. Good for him, I guess.” 

One man, Simon the Leper, who has experienced a divine encounter with Christ in the past, also appears to not care much about this so-called “resurrection.” “Jesus cured me from leprosy and I’ve never felt better! I love Jesus, but three days? That’s too soon to resurrect. Give some time for the news to spread,” Simon the Leper stated. “Even a huge Jesus fan like me didn’t hear about his death until after he had already come back. Also stop calling me Simon the Leper! My name’s Simon! I don’t have leprosy anymore!” 

Even some of Jesus’ closest friends don’t seem to care. “Yeah, I called bullshit on Jesus immediately,” the apostle Thomas commented. “He was all like ‘Touch my body, my child.’ First off – weird. Not even gonna unpack the whole ‘my child’ thing. Second, I poked him, and he was just a dude. Not a ghost or anything, man was not undead. He probably just spent the weekend upstate with his dad.”

“I just expected more people to notice, that’s all,” Christ shared. “Whatever. Once my dad, the father of all the heavens, hears about this, he’s not gonna be too happy.”