In Flight Safety Announcement Suddenly Really Interesting

By Jackson Parker

DALLAS, TX –  After yet another catastrophic Boeing safety incident on a Southwest flight from Denver, airline passengers have reported finding flight attendants’ pre-flight safety announcements absolutely fascinating. 

Following a litany of safety incidents on Boeing planes, some passengers in the exit row of Alaska Airlines Flight 305 were seen scribbling down notes as attendants detailed the proper protocol for evacuating in a water landing. Another passenger raised his hand to confirm that, in the event of an emergency, oxygen would indeed be flowing even though the bag would not inflate. And for the first time in the airline’s history, no one readily agreed to be in the emergency escape row. 

Attendants have also begun subtly warning passengers about the dangers of whistleblowing in their safety briefings, with messages like “tampering with the lavatory smoke detectors… or Boeing’s image… is strictly prohibited.” Others have reportedly refused to hand out pretzels unless passengers “pinky promise” to “keep their fucking mouths shut.”

During the announcements, attendants also delegated additional roles to ensure a safe flight. The gentleman in seat 12F was in charge of re-duct taping the wing every half hour, while the lady in 23B was tasked with replacing the wheels after they inevitably fell off. After the flight successfully landed, passengers gave a standing ovation before quickly sitting back down after remembering their instruction to stay seated while the seatbelt sign is on.