USC’s DPS Zone Will Now Be Called Gotham City
By Dean Woods
LOS ANGELES GOTHAM CITY, CA – Over the weekend, USC’s Department of Public Safety announced some upcoming changes to their 2.5 mile patrol radius. Captain Chad Sharpjaw told the press that among other exciting alterations, the currently boring “DPS Zone” will be renamed to “Gotham City.”
The first change to accompany the zone’s new name, Sharpjaw declared, would be a permanent state of rain and shadowy gloom, day and night. When asked how this weather change will occur, Sharpjaw vaguely replied, “You’ll see. You’ll all see” – whatever that means. He did, however, gleefully say that officers will now wear all black so as to “become darkness,” whatever that means. Additionally, a new petty theft procedure will be instituted that forces 20 flying LAPD rejects dressed as Batman to swarm the culprit in question.
To accomplish this, DPS officers will undergo vigorous training which involves a Batman movie marathon in their PJs. Next, they’ll go on a field trip to overlook the city and practice their brooding. Lastly, each officer’s parents will be shot dead in the street.
In addition to the uniform change, Sharpjaw gave himself a promotion from captain to a new rank that he invented, called the “Dark Knight.” He says that it will be the highest rank, and he will be on call 24/7. If anyone ever needs to summon Dark Knight Sharpjaw, DPS will shine a pig-shaped spotlight that will point toward the sky for all to see. Officers attempted to install the beacon atop the McCarthy Way Parking Structure, but were met with a gaggle of weed-smoking students. Sharpjaw declared them “violent criminals” and broke each of their noses, causing one of them to crash their car into a wall. The spotlight was then moved to the “highest natural point on campus,” Hammock Hill.
In collaboration with the Department of Public Safety’s new initiative, USC Transportation will once again be altering how Fryft operates, using suggestions given by Sharpjaw. Instead of Lyft vehicles (just cars), students will now only be able to ride in “Batmobiles” (just cars but painted black).
Critics say that Sharpjaw’s rapid changes are unnecessary and also “just sort of weird.” When asked where his ideas came from for these changes, Sharpjaw said that he recently rented The Batman (2022), and Robert Pattinson’s portrayal of the titular character really resonated with him. Sharpjaw claims that “he’s literally me” and applied more black eyeliner.
Lastly, he wanted to thank the entire USC community for the opportunity to live out his dream. “It wouldn’t have been possible without your tuition being raised to $90,000 dollars a year.”
