USC Squirrel Held At Gunpoint By DPS For Trying To Enter Campus At Royal Street Entrance

By Noelle Medina

LOS ANGELES, CA – In light of the limited access to campus instated on April 23, 2024, DPS extended its authority to enforce the closure onto a new subject: a USC squirrel.

On Monday morning, witnesses at the scene recall an uproar when a squirrel scurried underneath the iron prison bars at the Royal Street entrance. The victim, who was approaching a juicy-looking acorn spotted a few feet within the perimeter of campus, was held at gunpoint by two DPS officers just seconds after crossing into Trojan territory.

“GET HIM! HE’S NOT A REGISTERED GUEST!” One officer screamed in the chase, foaming at the mouth with his devotion to protecting the University. The other, whose name we couldn’t interpret due to him loudly chewing on his fingers during our request for comment, viciously tackled the squirrel, demanding to see a government-issued identification and roaring “FOR CAROL!!!”

”We’re extremely proud of our fearless officers in the Department of Public Safety for risking their lives at the entrances to campus every day. With every unregistered guest they keep out, especially this particularly violent and bushy-tailed one, Tommy Trojan lives to not be graffitied another day. Or at least until the fall when some UCLA schmucks do it” said President Folt from the inside of her gray SUV, now fortified with titan armor and bulletproof windows.