OPINION: Old Or Not, Biden Sure Knows How to Hold a Phone When Taking a Group Photo
By Phineas Kelly
LOS ANGELES, CA – In light of President Joseph Robinette Biden’s recent age-related blunders, it’s important to remember the leadership quality that got him into the White House in the first place: that fella sure knows how to hold a phone when taking a group photo. Hoo boy!
Standing at a proud six-foot-zero, Biden is taller than approximately 85% of men in the United States. That means if there’s a group photo to be taken, 17 times out of 20, he’s gonna be the one holding the camera. Does he cower in the face of so many group photo opportunities? Not my president! He stands at the front like God’s chosen soldier, like a Civil War general – one of the good ones, of course!
Yes, we could focus on a lot of important issues, but polls show, time and time again, that a majority of Americans will support Biden based entirely on the answer to this question: If I ever met the guy as part of a group, how confident would I be that he could capture a decent photo of three to four individuals from an arm’s distance using a cellphone’s front-facing camera? And many voters will be pleased to hear that the answer is VERY CONFIDENT!
Take the guy running against him, for example. Daniel or something. Look at his velociraptor arms. You think that guy’s gonna accurately capture the likenesses of a small to medium group of people when the need arises? Fat chance! He’s got two faces in the frame at best. And a president using a selfie stick is pretty much worse than treason when you think about it. Not like our guy, a red-blooded American with a charged battery and noticeably UN-shaky hands.
I mean, look at him! Look at the way he’s engaging that wrinkled pinky. You think that instinct can be trained? He’s a damn prodigy. Forget about holding nuclear codes, he’s got hands built to hold an iPhone 15 Pro Max – and you better believe it’s got 512 gigabytes of hardcore photo storage! Whether portrait (for younger voters) or landscape (for auto workers’ unions), Americans can rest easy knowing our commander-in-chief has a firm, unyielding grip on that little aluminum box we hold so dear. God Bless the USA!
