Father’s Day Win! Greeting Card Has Picture of Giant Cartoon Baseball Instead of Emotional Sentiment

By Izzy Ster

SACRAMENTO, CA — In true father-child relationship fashion, local son Phillip Norman opted for the least gushy greeting card in the aisle to gift to his dad this Father’s Day. 

“We’re just… not like that, you know? We talk about the Sox score when I call him every Thursday night, but he didn’t know my girlfriend of six years dumped me until five months after the fact. We have priorities in our relationship and I think that’s okay. At least, that’s what I’m telling my therapist,” Norman justified his restrained choice while picking up a Home Depot gift card to sneak into a crumpled envelope, the perfect noncommittal and apathetic addition. 

Norman later panicked over which message to include in the card, choosing whether to keep the “Hey Dad, you always knock it out of the park!” message already provided in the greeting card, or adding an obnoxiously sentimental “ — Phillip”. 

After being asked if he could close with “Love, Phillip”, Norman laughed hysterically and started blaring “Field of Dreams” on his TV. “What are we, a bunch of girls on their period? There’s no crying in baseball, amirite?!” He promptly cracked open a cold one and internally contemplated how his avoidant relationship with his father has destroyed every other personal tie in his life thus far. 

Much to Norman’s delight, upon receiving the card, his father grumbled out “thank you,” while not peeling his eyes away from whatever was playing on SportsCenter at that time. Norman might have been hurt by this if he wasn’t also mindlessly staring at the TV as fathers and sons have done and will do for generations.