6 Patriotic Demonstrations You Didn’t Know Were Mandatory!
By Phineas Kelly
USA – As Americans near and far celebrate the birthday of our favorite nation, we remember the many privileges Americans enjoy, but also some of the traditions we must engage in for fear of capital punishment. Here’s a quick look at some little-known American responsibilities you might not have known were required!
- Waving to the newspaper boy as he rides by your residence.
Though a cheery hello to your trusted news deliverer might simply seem like instinct to you, that 12-year-old is a mandated reporter. Failing to issue him a simple “Mornin’” or “Beautiful Day” could result in up to $12,000,000 in fines.
- Registering for the NFL Draft.
In the unlikely event that the National Football League’s incoming class is dangerously short on promising talent, Congress is authorized to expand the draft pool to prevent an uninspired playoff season.
- Attempting the Buffalo Wild Wings Blazin’ Wing Challenge.
At least once every fiscal year, registered voters must attempt to eat ten Blazin’® Knockout wings in five minutes or less. Winners of the challenge receive a seat in the House of Representatives; losers renounce all Social Security benefits.
- Acting like everything is fine
Fake it ‘till you make it! One of the most important aspects of being American is pretending everything is simply dandy over here. Because it is! If the thin veneer of delusion and hope in our collective consciousness disappears, then we will be truly lost for good. And that would be a bummer and a half!
- Telling every nearby person about your jury duty summons.
Real Americans would NEVER miss an opportunity to demonstrate our pride in our rock-solid judicial system, famous for never delivering a single incorrect verdict in its 248 year tenure. Nothing is more American than letting unqualified nobodies hold the reins of justice in our grubby little paws.
- Accusing neighbors of communist influence
Are things getting too quiet around here? Time to crack open a cold can of McCarthyism! Your next-door neighbors have been leaving the grass on their side unmowed, and that makes you look bad. One call, and their soymilk-loving asses will be revealed for the cold-blooded Communists they are. #JusticeForAll #BabyUrAFirework
