Breaking: 9/11 For NPR Listeners
By Liam Stephenson
WASHINGTON, D.C. – Joe Biden’s exit from the 2024 election has sent a shock through NPR listeners only comparable to that era defining disaster in 2001.
“I was driving my Mitsubishi Outlander to work this morning, turned on my favorite radio station, heard the news, and immediately pulled over to cry,” stated 38 year old Christopher via Threads, for some reason. “My favorite neoliberal candidate dropped out. I mean, I haven’t cried this much since that really big plane crash in 2001. Who are they going to replace him with, someone actually progressive? Then who’s gonna bomb the middle east?”
Cat cafes, indoor cycling studios, and other millennial NPR stomping grounds have closed today to mourn Joe Biden’s absence.
“I couldn’t even finish my big ass breakfast milkshake from Coffee Bean,” said 34 year old Erin, throwing out a cup of bright pink sludge with whipped cream on top. “If you know someone with Mandalorian stickers on their car, check on them today. Buy them a month of the New Yorker. Send them a Jake Tapper interview.”
These same millennials, however, have found peace in their online echo chambers.
“Um, Joe Biden dropping out was NOT on my 2024 bingo card!” stated 35 year old @ThatGirlDaniella on TikTok, who dropships Marvel themed jewelry. Thousands of millennials flooded the comments in solidarity. “Erm, THAT just happened!” commented @BoyMomma25, a 37 year old woman who exploits her infant children for content.
The Sack of Troy would also like to remind our audience that 9/11 is not remotely funny or something to be joked about. Anyone who enjoyed this article should feel bad about themselves.
