“I’m Having A Hot Girl Summer,” Says Woman Who Has Spent Every Moment Of It Watching Love Island With Zero Human Contact

By Megan Dang

LOS ANGELES, CA — Local delusional woman Rachel Hertzog is convinced that she is having the wildest, sexiest summer of her life, but in actuality she has wasted every second of it watching Season 6 of Love Island USA. 

Hertzog’s friends were initially thrilled for her when she bragged to them about her “hot girl summer”, excited for Hertzog to put herself out there, hit the club, and finally get a little freaky. Yet the details of Hertzog’s alleged hot girl exploits started to sound slightly off. “I noticed that Rachel started saying she was ‘buzzing’, or that she had ‘fanny flutters’ ,” recalled Hertzog’s best friend who only sees her once a month, Maya Reisch. “Or instead of saying that she liked a guy, she would say, ‘The boy I want to couple up with is…’ and then stare off into the distance for an indefinite amount of time. It really started to get weird when she would acapella her own transition music too.” 

Hertzog seemed distant and vacant every day of the week but hump day—until the week Casa Amor hit, and things took a drastic turn for the worse. Hertzog abruptly cut off all forms of human contact and dug a catacomb in her Hub apartment, where she did not emerge again to speak to anyone, catch a fleeting glimpse of daylight, or even heat up soup dumplings from Trader Joe’s, previously her only form of sustenance. Reisch attempted to reach Hertzog with concerned text messages, but the only response she received was Hertzog’s muffled scream of “GUYS, I GOT A TEXT!!!!!” from within her quarters.

Reisch continued to hold onto the hope that she would see her friend again, attempting multiple rescue efforts. In a desperate measure, she whispered controversial statements such as “Aaron and Kaylor are so cute together” and “Rob is so deep and misunderstood” through the cracks of the door, hoping to provoke Hertzog into a rage that would force her to come out. But Reisch could not manage to pull her for a chat. 

When Reisch finally discovered Hertzog’s bill for a $12 Peacock Premium Plus ad-free subscription, she knew that Hertzog was as good as dead to the world. Reisch tearfully said her goodbyes to Hertzog’s boarded-up door, saying, “I hope you enjoy your summer in that bomb shelter.” Hertzog’s only response was a quiet, “There’s a bombshell?”