Freshmen Report: Every Friend Group Already Formed

By Levi Elias

LOS ANGELES, CA — Move-in day has come and gone, which means every freshman has already cemented and locked down their official friend group for the next four years. Submission forms for a four year friendship contract were due last night at 11:59pm and any freshmen who hasn’t joined a tight knit group of 6-8 incoming students are completely and utterly fucked for the rest of college.

As everyone knows, college is a unique time in a young person’s life where they can meet new people from all walks of life and forge life-long friendships. But that all happens between move-in day and the first day of classes. After classes begin, nobody makes any more friends. The group of 20 people you left the welcome back concert with before wandering around Frat row with giddy optimism, thinking you’ll get into a frat party, before solemnly forfeiting your hopes and walking home while making mildly interesting conversation about what AP classes you took, are the only people you will hang out with for your entire college experience. So hopefully you like the guys on your Birnkrant floor, because they’re going to be the groomsmen at your wedding.

Sure, you may “meet” other people in your classes and clubs. But they can’t be your friend, because they already have friends. And they don’t want to hang out with you. You may give a polite wave or nod of acknowledgement when you see them in passing, but nothing more. You will NEVER be their friend.

And for the sad sack pieces of shit who couldn’t lock down a committed crew within three days of meeting over hundreds of new people, good fucking luck. You are so screwed. Your college experience is going to be filled with lonely nights eating microwavable Trader Joe’s single meal lamb vindaloo while doomscrolling Instagram looking at what could’ve been. Look at those people you met in the first week but couldn’t lock down having fun at the beach. You don’t have any friends to go to the beach with and you’re going to die alone, you pathetic sploosh of donkey cum.

The only exception to salvage any lonely sharts who couldn’t make the cutoff, is paying for friends. Just like paying for sex, it’s incredibly embarrassing. But for some people financial incentives are the only way they can get someone to be near them. So to all the sad, friendless shitbiscuits who couldn’t hack it in the real world, fraternity and sorority rush starts this week.