A Sack of Troy Investigative Report: How To Bribe Your Way Into Clubs At USC
By Levi Elias
LOS ANGELES, CA — Each year, clubs at USC are getting harder and harder to get into because our modern society deems selectivity as synonymous with prestige. The consequence of these “prestigious” organizations means that many students are not able to get into any clubs, and therefore not able to buff up those resumés. But we here at The Sack of Troy know a time honored USC tradition that can get any idiot into whatever club they want: bribery!
We have conducted an investigation to find the bribe price of all kinds of different clubs to help you, the USC students, bribe your way into the club of your dreams! Swipe to see a list of USC clubs and their official, verified bribe cost. And to all the clubs who chose not to respond to us with your bribe price (you know who you are), shame on you.
| 840 West | $5000 plus an additional $250 for each event attended, with a $20 subtraction for each new member you refer |
| American Marketing Association | $5500 plus $20 per linkedin connection you have, with a 3% surcharge if paid using an online money transfer service like Zelle, Venmo or Paypal |
| Chaotic 3 | $2 |
| Code the Change | A will they/won’t they instagram dm exchange expressing your love for one other, but reluctant to commit out of fear that you will be hurt again. Or $2 million. |
| CreSCendo Music Club | Find them a practice space that is readily available and free of charge |
| Commedus Interruptus Improv | $20 and an RSO status, or $30 and a barrel of crude oil |
| Daily Trojan | Your soul (They didn’t specifically say this but we have it on good authority that they’re evil) |
| Escape SC | $50 |
| Family Business Society | 1 trillion beers (approximate price: $55,555,555.60) |
| Fourth Quarter All-Stars Sketch Comedy | Sex with their least attractive member |
| KASA Dance Off | $50 |
| KXSC | A hefty “donation” |
| Ludus Remedium Improv | 12 Goats (Approximate value: $4200) |
| Magic Club at USC | $100 |
| Merry Men Improv | Two Elk and ½ lb of ring pops (Approximate value: $2412) |
| Musical Theater Repertory | They force one you to hang out with one of their members |
| Open Alpha | 1/8th of your freshly mined bitcoin |
| SC Advanced Robotic Combat | They get to test out their robots on you |
| SC Racing | Free if you have a positive attitude, $10,000 if you don’t |
| Second Nature Improv | $20 |
| Spoiler Alert Improv | $12 or a nice pair of socks |
| Suspenders Sketch Comedy | “A gazillion a trillion dollars”. This club thought they were being funny by giving a fake number. It’s not funny. They would not cooperate with our investigation and we recommend you do not join this club. |
| Tap SC | Free if you’re in The Sack of Troy. Sorry everyone else. |
| Trojan Debate Society | $200 Billion |
| Troy Tones | Enough to comp their Dulce breakfast burritos everyday. Approximate price: $3650 for one year, $14,000 for four years. |
| Xpressions Dance | $3000 per day |
After seeing all these prices, you may be thinking “which club has the best deal?” And that’s easy. The Sack of Troy, of course!!!!! We’re better than all these other stupid clubs by a mile and we’re looking for new writers. So apply now at https://www.sackoftroy.com/join-us/. And if you’re not confident in your writing, we also love to accept bribes. Comment or DM us your bribe price, highest bidder gets in. Now feel free to continue swiping to see proof that these bribe prices are real and take a look behind the curtain of our very serious investigation tactics.
