Top 5 Best Pagan Gods to Sacrifice Your Roommate to in Order to Have the Best Freshman Year

By Nino Muratori

LOS ANGELES, CA – With all of you bright-eyed and bushy-tailed freshmen finally moving in, we wanted to give you the ultimate hack to ensure you have the best time at USC. So without further ado, here are the top five best pagan Gods to sacrifice your roommate to in order to have the greatest freshman year ever!

5. Odin

Often referred to as “Ol’ Reliable” by upperclassmen, Odin, the God of wisdom, is a wonderful choice to make your first human sacrifice to! Studies show sacrificing your roommate to him will increase your academic performance by 35%! Business major Jonathan Tyler recalls his freshmen year sacrifice, “I was really worried about this super hard Math 118 exam after I flunked the last one. But after I sacrificed my roommate Kyle to Odin, I discovered newfound vigor to study and just got past the class median!” Jonathan proceeded to remark how he was plagued by horrible visions of ravens pecking out his eyes for a month and a half after making the sacrifice, but we’re sure that’s unrelated.

4. Lakshmi

A bit niche, but Lakshmi is honestly a great Goddess to spill blood to. As the Goddess of wealth, Lakshmi is known to bless students with more of daddy’s money, making USC’s finest even more pretentious. Local pompous bitch, Bryleigh McCourtney, talked about the pros and cons of sacrificing to Lakshmi, saying, “I really miss my girlfriend Kaylee, but now I have so much room to install my state-of-the-art AC unit and live comfortably in my dorm. Plus, I got to keep Kaylee’s Alo Yoga sets and Goyard Artois purses, filling up that gaping hole in my chest where my heart should be!”

3. Bacchus

Bacchus, the God of wine, is arguably the worst God to sacrifice your roommate to. All he blesses you with is copious amounts of alcohol. Why would you want that? You’re a freshman, and you’re underage. You should be focusing on your studies and making your RA proud, not engaging in illicit activities. Stay safe out there, guys. And do your modules.

2. Eros

Eros is the God of love and lust, and I’m gonna be real with you, if you sacrifice to Eros you are gonna get so much play you’ll feel like Wilt Chamberlain. Enough ass to last a lifetime. Freshman Ashley Greenblatt recently sacrificed her roommate and recalls how she received 27 messages from her perfectly cultivated situationships, all at 3:24 AM, “I have never been blessed with so much unnecessary attention in my life. I can’t wait to hook up with all of these guys and feel no emotional blowback whatsoever!”

1. Cthulhu

Cthulhu is 100% the best God for you to sacrifice your roommate to. Cthulhu blesses his patrons with the knowledge of the unspeakable vastness of oblivion, allowing them to gaze past the infinite horizon and view countless, sinister worlds untold. Essentially, you get to trip major fucking balls! Those who have gone the Cthulhu route know exactly how awesome it is. Freshman Danny Castagna, who is currently in a vegetative state, told us about his experience with Cthulhu before he became neurologically unsound, “Y’ ph’nglui mgepmgr’luh mgvulgtnah nwnglui ot r’luhhor ng h’ mgepah lloigazath llll humanity ng scores ot sins c’ mgep l’ mgeptharanak h’ sacred shugnah.” In truth, we have no clue what he said but he looked like he was out of this world! Such a shame that he died four days later from a brain hemorrhage…