Parents Weekend Really Awesome For Everyone Except Batman

By Izzy Ster

LOS ANGELES, CA – As homesick freshmen count down the days for mommy and daddy to buy them non-dining hall dinner and upperclassmen hide their bongs, the upcoming Trojan Family Weekend is the talk of the town for everyone. Well… Everyone except playboy-billionaire-superhero and famed orphan Batman. 

Batman, who recently enrolled in the Price School of Public Policy to pursue a Masters in Urban Planning in order to “better protect and serve the city of Gotham because [he is] Batman,” expressed his loneliness looming with parents buzzing around campus. “I know I’m Batman and Batman has to be tough and strong and brooding because I’m Batman… but secretly, Batman would love to buy a foam finger for my mom and take her to the football game. Batman would do anything to share a beer with his old man at Rock and Reilly’s, you know? It’s just tough. Because I’m Batman,” Batman sniffled. 

Batman proceeded to disappear into the night to help the circling LAPD helicopters and, of course, protect Trojans from other Trojans wielding metal water bottles.