USC Steps Away in 4th Quarter To Honor Yom Kippur

By Levi Elias

LOS ANGELES, CA — This Saturday, October 12th’s highly anticipated matchup pinning USC against football juggernaut Penn State happened to coincide with the holiday of Yom Kippur. In respect of USC football’s Jewish player, USC decided to step away from the game before the fourth quarter to honor the Jewish Day of Atonement.

Junior tight end, Joshua Greenblatt, felt conflicted going into this week’s game against Penn State as both a USC football player and a Jew. He went into the game determined to do right by his Trojan family, and USC took a commanding lead in the first half. Trojan fans cheered Greenblatt’s name! But he couldn’t see his actual family in the stands. They were at home observing the fast. Greenblatt realized he was letting his fellow Jewish people down, so he stepped out of the game to atone. 

USC’s coaches were not thrilled to see that their star tight end would be sitting the second half out. But as the players saw Greenblatt hungrily praying his sins away on the sideline, they slowly but surely stepped out of the game in solidarity with their Jewish teammate on this holy day. 

By the time the third quarter ended, the entire USC squad was on the bench with Greenblatt. Sure, it let Penn State dominate the game and obliterate USC with a come from behind victory, but it brought a tear to Greenblatt’s eye. “Never before has a team been so kind to me for my religious beliefs. It’s beautiful. I love Trojan football!” shouted Greenblatt. The entire team came together out of mutual respect for their teammate, and enjoyed a lovely bagels and lox breakfast dinner at sunset.

Lol. Just kidding. There are no Jewish football players. Get your head out of fantasy land.