Entire Department Conspires to Grant Your D-Clearance As Late As Possible

By Violet Wang

LOS ANGELES, CA – Like the Romans persecuting Jesus Christ, sources say the entirety of your major’s department has conspired to grant your D-clearance, yours specifically, as late as possible.

In a series of leaked Instagram Close Friends stories, Professor Feral Colt vented about the gaslighting, gatekeeping, and girl-bossing your department has committed to stop you from receiving your God-given Trojan birthright.

Screenshotted emails displayed elaborate conversations in which employees discussed the best ways to keep your “poor peasant ass” from even getting remotely close to the classes you need to graduate. Executed plans included forwarding your D-clearance requests to the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints, deleting your requests “for the troops”, and internally tagging your name as a slur so it would be automatically removed from D-Clearance request spreadsheets. And just in case all else failed, those classes were scheduled at 8 am, 8 pm, or directly conflicting with each other.

Your advisor was also instructed to deliberately recommend classes you would never have a chance of getting D-clearance for, to fill their advisement schedule with fake names, and to limit email replies to once a fortnight. When the Sack contacted your advisor for comments, their email auto-replied that they were, “out of office on vacation”, and would “be right back after the WebRegistration deadline”. Your advisor was last seen in Malibu, burning your official documents in a bonfire.

The department chair was also unavailable for an interview. When asked why, the Sack was told they were simply too busy preemptively writing your PDP rejection letter.