Scientists Offer Banging Head Against Wall as Relaxing Alternative to USC Football

By Liam Stephenson

LOS ANGELES –  After USC’s loss to alleged school University of Maryland, scientists have concluded that self-inflicted concussions might be an easier, calmer activity than watching Trojan football.

“Hey, that’s what I do before I call a game-winning drive!” said soon-to-be former USC coach Lincoln Riley. “I just let our entire offensive line ram into my forehead until I can barely think. They’re all weak little babies, of course, so it doesn’t do much, but it’s enough to make me forget we have timeouts.” Lincoln Riley then left the press conference to jerk off to his playbook full of screen passes.

USC quarterback Miller Moss took a break from signing NIL deals to support head banging.

“I, too, hit my head against a wall for hours before taking the field,” said Miller Moss via Sidechat. “It relaxes me before I play big, scary teams like the Maryland Terrapins, or the Minnesota Golden Gophers, or any team with players. I know I have a famously good GPA, but I take pride in playing like I have a big ol’ arrow through my skull. If there were an ‘M’  in ‘CTE,’ it would stand for ‘Miller.”

If head injuries don’t quite numb the pain of USC football, scientists also recommend drinking LA tap water, jumping in front of a Shryft, or drowning in the Leavey reflective pool as fun alternatives.