Girl Whose Boyfriend Makes Fun Of Her Has “Never Been Happier!”

By Noelle Medina

BEVERLY HILLS, CA – A naive young girl near you has just gotten into her first committed relationship with a man who belittles everything she’s interested in, and she’s never been happier!

“I just can’t believe this is my life,” grinned freshman Emily White, who recently became the loyal girlfriend to androgynous Golden Retriever gamer boy Jake. She was instantly charmed by his wacky, adorable charm akin to that of a shining Labrador when the two met during Welcome Week: “I saw him tossing these enormous tennis balls into the Lyon Center pool with nothing but his teeth during Splash Bash, and I just knew,” she remarked with a smile. Unfortunately for White, she has yet to realize that he has a little more than just Golden Retriever “energy”— girl, he is a literal dog. 

“I told him I was joining Garden Club because I’m, like, super into climate action and sustainability, and he goes ‘Wow, so you’re gonna plant trees instead of spending time with me? That’s so lame, babe. Gosh, do you really feel like you’re helping the planet? You’re just weedling around in the dirt. You should just come chill in my Twin XL instead. My roommate’s not here rn.’” White shook her head in besotted amusement, as if fuck ass Jake was Mr. Darcy incarnate. “Isn’t he so sweet? He’s just really supportive of my goals… I feel so seen by him.”

“I feel like I’m living in a fairytale!” White exclaimed with a dreamy sigh. Queen, I fear this fairytale is Beauty and the Beast, except you are NOT Belle and you CANNOT fix that fucking attitude of his. EVER! We’ll check in with her next year after she’s given up all her life prospects for this man only to finally realize he’s an asshole once she’s already doomed her social life and her career and her whole fucking college experience and she will forever be haunted by the shadow of what could have been if she had just fucking dumped that kid a lot sooner. Wishing her the best!