I Pretended To Look Confused At The Timothee Chalamet Lookalike Competition Because #needthat

By Noelle Medina

NEW YORK, NY – As a woman desperately searching for a scrawny dog boy who looks like he reeks of cigarette smoke and dryer sheets, I found the opportunity of a lifetime at a little Timothee Chalamet lookalike contest in Washington Square Park.

When I saw that flier on my walk back from wasting $16 on a bagel and a watery vanilla oat latte, I knew that this would be my chance to find true love. Attending NYU means I see no shortage of artsy alt boys with curly hair and a bit of ‘tude, but I’ve always felt pulled towards something more. Something BIGGER. Maybe it was seeing Timmy as the strangely sexy and unbelievably lame love interest in Lady Bird that did it, but my heart has yearned for an androgynous male manipulator since I was but a girl. 

Upon arriving at the competition, I was floored by the scent of watermelon vape and Head & Shoulders 3 in 1 Shampoo. That’s how I knew I was exactly where I was meant to be. I immediately began laying out my tactics, gazing around the crowd with my phone held out horizontally and a crease in my brow. “Can somebody explain the three-act structure to me? I just can’t seem to tell when the first act of the movie ends?” What movie? You fucking tell me. Doesn’t matter. Those rat boys flocked to me like a used cigarette on a Soho sidewalk. 

I felt God in Washington Square Park that day. So many medium ugly brunettes spewed filmbro-speak directly into my ear canals it was like snorting thirty pounds of pure crack cocaine. If any other freakishly tall and lanky pale zombie boys want to mansplain Letterboxd to me, PLEASE DM ME!!!!! Please. #needthat