Universal Studios Reveals USC Career Fair as Latest Horror Nights Scarezone

By Gan Tran

LOS ANGELES, CA – It’s that time of year again. The air grows colder, the demand for Starbucks pumpkin cream cold brew grows stronger, and Halloween Horror Nights is back, baby! For their 24th annual event, Universal Studios Hollywood announced ten new haunted mazes, including the USC Campus Career Fair.

Visitors must navigate through Trousdale Parkway, a hell populated by students in wrinkled suits damned to beg on hands and knees for an unpaid internship. Even though it’s 7:00 a.m., Marshall and Viterbi students are somehow in the hot sun talking to a recruiter from a recycled wind chime startup. Scare actors will judge your resume in front of you and refuse to make eye contact with you if you don’t first. Additionally, visitors must dodge scare actors on scooters and bikes aggressively speeding through the crowd as booths block all bike lanes.

One of the main scare points of the attraction features an endlessly long queue to meet with a representative from Lockheed Martin. After all, nothing’s scarier than a choice between the military industrial complex or moving back to your hometown of Paducah, Kentucky. Visitors with the Frequent Fear Pass are able to skip the line only to be told that recruiters will not be looking at any resumes and to just apply online like the poors.

After leaving the maze, most visitors report feelings of impending doom and anxiety for the future. Despite this, “I honestly didn’t think it was that scary,” reports Alvin Zhou, a senior, who sold his soul for a return offer from Amazon.