OPINION: Start The Steal

By Violet Wang

Washington, D.C. – Listen up liberals, the jig is up. We need to start the steal.

I know none of us wanted to admit it when the GOP accused us four years ago, but they were spot fucking on. I mean, they caught us with our asses out, blue-handed. It cost us trillions in taxpayer dollars just to send out enough 5G waves for them to forget the evidence, and that’s not even counting how much we had to spend airlifting all the ballots to China.

I know that we promised ourselves that THIS year would FINALLY be the year we won legitimately, but have you seen the fucking polls? Have you seen your neighbors? HAVE YOU SEEN THE BALLOTS? I’m going nuts right now because I filled in at LEAST 50 of those fuckers but they clearly aren’t on record. Did some of you guys not do your part? You need to start putting some god damn elbow grease into election fraud.

Dr. Fauci, activate the vaccines to turn red-blooded Americans into transgender femboy socialists. George Soros, begin aiming the space lasers. And Commie-La Harris, you need to take all the assault rifles we confiscated from the conservatives, pass them out to our CNN militia and make plans for the Capitol.

Personally, I’ve already started hacking the voting machines. Everyone else better be patrolling the streets, burning buildings, or summoning Satan. I’ll see you all on January 6th.