Trump Wins, Vance Still A Loser

By Margaret Danenhauer 

UNITED STATES — Although the presidential election has been called for Donald Trump, the American people unanimously agree that his running mate J.D. Vance remains a massive fucking loser.

“I mean, I’m a Trump voter,” said Mark Hodges of North Carolina. “I’m pretty racist, so racist that I also hate white people from Appalachia. But being a white person from Ohio who lied about being from Appalachia? Even worse. Everyone agrees it’s cool to be racist to that guy.”

Vance’s loser status seems to be the one thing many leftists and rightists can agree on. “He has the face of a mischievous Victorian child named Johnathon who steals pies off of window sills,” says Tori Mitchum, a young Democrat. “He looks so greedy, but at the same time, deeply pathetic and unthreatening.”

Swing state voter Tom James adds, “He’s married to an Indian woman and works with the most racist 8chan Proud Boys in the world. All he does is fuck over his own family. He basically turbo cucked himself.”

Much of this negative slant comes not only from Vance’s appearance but also some of his alleged past actions. “Don’t ask how I know this, but he definitely fucked that couch,” an anonymous freshman at NYU Stern told the Sack. “Also, my da– Mr. Trump, that is, said Hillbilly Elegy was like, a 2 out of 5 stars.”