“Sassy Man” Friend Just A Really Dickish Straight Guy

By Megan Dang  

LOS ANGELES, CA — Josh Andrews, beloved by his female friends for being a “sassy man”, is unfortunately just a mean piece of shit. 

Andrews has led a lifelong career of being a celebrated douchebag, but recently, the women in his social circle have been riding a different level of delusion. “I’m totally a victim of the Sassy Man Apocalypse,” said Tracy Matson, one of Andrews’s brainwashed gal-pals, who is actually just a victim of the patriarchy. “Josh is so sassy. We can’t take him anywhere!” 

This sentiment held true when Matson and friends took Andrews to the California Pizza Kitchen, and he made an extremely abhorrent public scene as he waited for his Thai crunch salad to arrive. “Where the hell is our waiter?” he demanded. “I thought women were supposed to be good in the kitchen. This bitch is almost as numb-skulled as you, Tracy.” Matson gave an ear-piercing laugh in response. “Oh my god, Josh, stop!” she giggled, but she did not lift a finger to actually stop Andrews as he began throwing silverware and breaking plates in a barbaric rage. 

Despite other words like “bully”, “evil”, “Satan spawn”, and “liable for 8 counts of battery” being far more accurate in describing Andrews’s character, Matson refuses to describe him as anything other than “sassy”, the yassified Gen-Z cousin of “boys will be boys”. Matson’s condition goes beyond booty blinded; she has accrued clinical booty brain damage. As she watched Andrews goad unsuspecting women into his van to ax-murder them in the woods, Matson just smiled affectionately and called after him, “Don’t forget your shovel, Little Mr. Attitude!”