SC Loses After Freshman Forgets To Kick Lamppost

By Bill Rockas

LOS ANGELES, CA – As the Trojans concluded their lackluster Big 10 season with a loss to Notre Dame, the campus turns its attention to freshman student and local moron Greg Bottley who forgot to kick the good luck lamppost thus costing us the last game.

The fury against Bottley has rippled through campus. “I’m so upset with Greg right now,” sighed really competent head coach Lincoln Riley. “I finally figured out that our team needs points to win the game and I was really excited to try out that new strategy. But then I got the news that Greg Bottley walked into the Coliseum and completely ignored the good luck lamppost. That’s the one thing that keeps this team together! I knew the game was over before it even began.” Riley then stated that he intends to get fined again in hopes that some of Bottley’s tuition money will be wasted.

Witnesses at local tailgates recalled seeing Bottley’s willing ignorance. Sophomore in Communications and Four Loko enjoyer Judy Went recounted the whiff, “He just walked right past it. Well, I should say he limped because his foot was in a cast but that’s no excuse for not kicking.” She approached Bottley who informed her that he often chooses not to kick the lamppost because of his broken foot. After a detailed accounting, every loss this season can be attributed to Bottley forgetting to participate in our one, mandated ritual.

The Trojan football team organized a search party to find Bottley and dispose of him once and for all. “You’re not going to kick the lamppost? Then I’ll kick you,” threatened illustrious and beloved USC kicker Michael Lantz. After finding him, Bottley was swiftly and mercifully kicked to death. Phew! Now we’ll win every game next season!