Scheduling A Mandatory Meeting, And 5 Other Signs That Your Academic Advisor Wants You
By Dean Woods
LOS ANGELES, CA – As class registration for next semester rolls around once again, emails are flying and feelings are being caught. More specifically, by your academic advisor, who won’t stop dropping subtle hints that he wants you carnally. Here’s how to pick up the subtext on emails with subject lines like the sultry and seductive “Mandatory Advisement Needed” and five others.
“Mandatory Advisement Needed”
“Mandatory Advisement Needed” = “I need you” He’s been waiting all semester for this moment. He’s so desperate to help you pick your classes and discuss your interests. My God, what a simp. The fact that he sent it to 300 other students is just a cover for his true intentions. You know it was meant for you, specifically. Your astrology app told you so this morning: “Something is coming your way.” It was meant to be.
“Reminder– Time For Your Academic Advising Appointment”
“Reminder” = “Please respond honey” You’ve got him hook, line, and sinker. He just double-texted–you have all the power now. Don’t reply just yet: keep him waiting for another few weeks, and he’ll be on his knees for you. In fact, maybe add his wife on Facebook. Let him know you’re willing to play his little game.
“Registration Date Passed, Meeting Required Before End Of Semester”
“Registration Date Passed” = “Pleaseeeee go on a date with me XOXO” Don’t be fooled by the strict wording, he’s asking you out! But play it cool here–no need to rush a response just yet. Don’t worry about not getting the exact classes you want next semester– school is temporary, but this hot, steamy affair will be a PR hurricane for your alma mater forever. Your $90k-a-year tuition was meant for this, not “education” or “a stable career.” Get what you paid for!
“REGISTRATION HOLD– REQUIRES IMMEDIATE RESPONSE”
“REGISTRATION HOLD” = “I want to hold you immediately” If you receive this email, you might as well get your ring finger sized. You’ve got your advisor right where you want him…he’s practically begging for your attention. Keep ghosting him and he’s bound to show up at your door in the pouring rain, with flowers and a heartfelt speech prepared. Are those wedding bells we hear??
“STATUS AS A FULL TIME STUDENT IN JEOPARDY”
“FULL TIME” = “I want to fill you”
Oh, what’s that? I’ve been naughty? What are you going to do about it? Add it to my record? Spank me? Suspend me?
“You’ve Been Suspended.”
“Suspended” = “I’m into erotic asphyxiation” This email won’t even be from him, he’ll have the dean of your school send it. He’s inviting you to a threesome! You’ve made it.
