Lol, Severed Penis on Sidewalk Pretty Small
By Levi Elias
ALBANY, NY — Onlookers on Clarksville Road couldn’t help but let out a little giggle during their commute this morning after seeing a severed penis lying in the middle of the sidewalk. Normally a mutilated phallus like this one would be taken very seriously and not be remotely funny whatsoever, but… lol… It’s pretty small.
People all across Albany have made the trip to sneak a peek of the tiny guy. One resident, Kelly Lee, found the exposed genital remnants extremely amusing. “LOL LOL! It’s so mini. Like a little baby carrot. That means the former owner had a itty bitty peepee. Ha,” laughed Lee. Lee proceeded to get up close and talk to the penis directly like it was a baby or a cute dog: “Did somebody’s girlfriend get mad little buddy? Did she take a knife and slice off your teeny weenie? Yes she did! Yes she did cut off your wiener! Who’s a tiny penis? You are! You’re a tiny penis!”
The police then arrived at the scene to investigate the severed penis and determine whether the penis was actually this small when it was attached to its host body or if it was sliced at a disadvantageous angle. “After a thorough examination, we have found that this is the penis of an adult man, and it suffered a clean chop right at the base of the penis shaft,” stated Detective Anthony Morris. “This is the full extent of this penis’s length, as it is a show-er, not a grower. When erect, this penis would have remained this size. Due to the fact that this penis is so incredibly miniscule, we will not be conducting a full scale criminal investigation. The former wielder of this scanty shrimp isn’t missing much, so we figured it’s just not worth our time. Lol, sucks to be that guy.”
The city of Albany has chosen to let the severed penis remain on the sidewalk, even encasing it in glass, to give people a little chuckle as they pass the petite pecker. “It reminds our citizens that life can always be worse. Even worse than living in Albany. Because that penis truly is tiny” said Albany Mayor Kathy Sheehan.
On an unrelated note, Republican Vice President JD Vance was spotted leaving Albany with an ice pack on his crotch. Wonder what that’s about.
